Toque and Ptomaine

7 Jan


We have had mostly males in the world’s  commissaries (read: everywhere important) as executive chefs for generations and their record is pretty spotty. Granted they’ve come up with a few tasty dishes; penicillin comes to mind and tap water on demand, yes, and fertilizer, that’s pretty good and some of the desserts and treats are okay but the ‘ ptomaine poisoning’ count is pretty high and people are dying like flies. So maybe it’s time to equally share the commissaries with others who have different instincts when it comes to ‘kitchen’ management. Others who are less likely to prepare and serve dishes that are toxic.

Now the first thing we must insist upon is you chefs give up the one thing all executives prize more than  anything else: the recipe. You might reluctantly share the ‘kitchen’ under duress or when feeling magnanimous, but to give up the recipes: never! The recipe, along with the strong right arm and symbolic toque high hat has made the male executive chef the commissar, worldwide. Until now.

No more ‘ptomaine’; too many have died from your lethal preparations.  No more ‘kitchen’ slops out the back door into the creek. The creek has carried all that careless glop to the river; then to the ocean. The ocean’s a mess and the fish are ending up in my kitchen with big sores all over.  And fix those exhaust fans; they’re stinking up the place.

Just so you male executive chefs understand clearly you will share the space equally from now on.  Plus you will share the recipes with your new peers.  Come in commissarinas and meet your new partners.  Here is a copy of the current recipes for each of you to vet and hopefully alter. And here’s a sparkling new chef’s toque hat. Congratulations.  Now all of you, get to work. The place is a mess.





















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